Heartbreak? Sexual dysfunction? Click here to e-mail all your love woes and woos to Zodiac-Smack!

Dear John,
I know this isn't a love related question, but is there anything in the stars that might predict when everything with the war and all will be ok?- Bobbi Nichols

Dear Bobbi,
Nope. There's no explaining the killing of innocent people, but the Sun in Aries sure doesn't help. Fire on fire, not good. Hang in there soldier.


Dear John,
My x-boyfriend is a total asshole. What's up with that? -Tabitha Johnsen

Dear Tabitha,
Every one I have ever dated with their Sun in 'asshole' was pretty cool. Maybe it's you.


Dear John,
Crazy Aquarius and Virgo. I am an Aquarius (Scorpio moon and rising) watch out! He is a Virgo (Aquarius rising and Sagittarius moon). We have a major age difference. We are extremely different, but isn't that what forces us to grow to our potential. Do I have a prayer with this man??? - ET

Dear ET,
You like it freaky, and then you have all that Scorpio energy making sure it gets creepy-nasty-sweaty-freaky. Virgo is one of the more stable signs (boring) but his Aquarius rising and Sagittarius Moon means that there is some freaky shit going on in the gutter of his mind as well. If his Virgo qualities bludgeon over his rising and moon signs, then look out; he will end up boring you with his earnest dependable nature. If there is enough Scorpio in there to give him more passion and some Sagittarius in there to give him more fire, then you guys might be lucky enough to connect for a few months before you drift apart in a listless death for years and years to come.


Dear John,
Give me the skinny. I was born in August and my wife was born in January. Does that mean that she is really cold and I am really warm? How will this affect our children if we have any? Thanks, Hot Summer Dude

Dear Hot Summer Dude,
Keep it crisp in the free world, you seem like a guy that might appreciate that band the Cult (like my friend Steve). Ever heard them? If you don't even know what sign you or your wife are I suggest you check out our 'Astrology 101' section for reference.


Dear John,
I've been just talking to this guy since september...and he only shows minimal signs of interest. he calls me almost every night and talks to me about random nothings and everythings. we are approaching 5 months of non-stop talking...and i'm getting very frustrated and confused. he's a sagittarius and i'm a cancer. i heard that we are not a good match. do you think he's just playing with me? -confused in the bay

Dear Confused in the Bay,
First of all, a Cancer should be wary of the Sagittarius, yet when these two signs are forced together they do seem to find a way to make it work, call it mutual paranoia. But five months and all you're doing is talking? That's not good in any universe. If there is ever going to be a spark between the crab and the archer it will come immeditely and often. In our opinion? That 5 months 'thing' is pretty suspect.


Dear John,
I never believed in astrology before but I found your Pisces profile to be fairly accurate to my personality. I cross referenced that with the Aquarius profile of the girl I am interested in and I am intrigued. Any hints on how to win her affections? -chuck

Dear Chuck,
If you are going for an Aquarius the first thing you need to do is NOT show her the slightest hint of desperation. Aquariuans can smell that kind of energy. Your best course of action is to remain aloof and somewhat distant though you might want to make sure you are seen and seen often having a good time, laughing and not giving a fuck what anybody thinks about you. Oh, and it will help if you are funny as hell!

 

 

Heartbreak? Sexual dysfunction? Click here to e-mail all your love woes and woos to Zodiac-Smack!