OPEN LETTERS
As always it is the policy of ZS.com to post letters and pictures from our subscribers. We do not feel that any of the material on this page necessarily reflects the opinions of those here at Zodiac-Smack!

The first few weeks we did this site we learned a couple things. Only a couple of things. First off, freedom of speech is a good thing. Second, most celebrities are chicken shit fraidy cats.

Every other letter seemed to be about the acceptance speech of Michael Moore at the Oscars.

Dear ZS,
Oh my god are you guys watching this? I know you check your email every other fucking minute. I lost my cell phone last night. Michael Moore is kicking fucking ass! Hundreds of high powered celebrities but only one with balls in the whole crowd. Sorry Halley Barry. -Erin Idlemeyer


Dear Zodiacsmack,
Michael Moore rules! You should do him on your site.


Dear ZS,
I've been following your site for a while and I can see you guys doing a huge expose when you come back from your vacation or whatever. Wasn't Adrien Brody amazing? What sign is he? I'd love to know! Thanks.- Julia


 

Dear Zodiac-Smack,
Wha? Three delightful ladies/gentlemen/primates get a free weekend with "Charlie O'Hara" in NYC? What do the winners get? Gainfully employed--as a what? Coaster scrubber at that bar he's pictured in? I'm not sure about his sign but he's got some bad karma that was simmering on the backburner, but now it's on full boil--and it's gonna explode all over the walls of his dingy single-male kitchen. Table for one? Sure, we got that, Mr. O'Hara...a nice dry white wine to go with your dry spell? Oh, sorry, you've brought your whine!
-- Angry White Aries Male

 


Dear Zodiac-Smack,
Not only is this guy a Scorpio, but quite delusional. He would be lucky to have a one-way, let alone a 2, 3 or 4-way. Here's the deal, I'll send in a box of Kleenex and some hypoallergenic lotion; you mail it to NYC.


Dear Zodiac-Smack,
My name is Kelly O'Connell. I was checking my horoscope on a website and found your picture. At first I thought it was a joke, but then I started to wonder if I would be meeting the chance opportunity of meeting a fellow Irishman from NYC. I feel kind of strange writing this e-mail, I've never written one like this before. If this is not Charlie O'Hara, I'm sorry for the mistake. But if this by chance is you, I'd like to hear from you. Hope to talk/see you soon. -- Kelly :)

 

 

Nice email/you f'd up!
Well here is another nice one for you.... Thanks for a well organized astrology site that doesn't take itself too seriously. I especially like all that "homophobic" and "sexist" stuff. So let's get this out of the way, I'm Sun:Virgo, Ascendent: Cancer, Moon: Taurus And you've made a mistake on your site, a terrible, terrible error:

Virgo Profile

Ruler- Mercury
House- Eigth
Element- Earth
Quality- Mutable
Opposing Sign- Scorpio

Of course, Fixed should be Mutable and Scorpio should be Pisces. And of course I noticed this because I'm a Virgo... and that's what we're best at. But I also have a sense of humor and I think it would be freakin' great to leave up the mistakes and see how many Virgos email you with the correction. We can't help ourselves. I can't help but think you did it on purpose to drive all those Virgoans nuts... and that's even funnier!

By the way, I'm married to a Scorpio, and read to him the "All other signs are PUSSIES" article (can't you just see it, the Virgo reads it to the Scorpio who is playing a video game or looking at girlie pictures or whatever Scorpios do when a Virgo is reading something to them), and he told me to tell the guy who wrote it to stay the fuck out of his head.

With much respect, Gin

P.S. I hate Geminis :) No really, I truly hate Geminis.... is there something I can take for that? Or does everyone else hate Geminis too?


Your description of Leo?
Proud, Vane, Self-Assured, Self-Centered, Regal, Positive, Funny, Experimental, *Most Mirrors in the House

Learn to spell.

Yours truly, Virgo, Leo Rising, Gemini Moon -Smith, Persimmon

 

 

What's up with Zodiac-Smack?
Seems you kids have been working over-time. Love the site this week. Strong writing, great images. Biggest guffaw was at the juxtaposition of the Sisyphus & dung beetle images in the Skeptics Corner and this from Weekly Outlook:

"It's also a time of general world awareness which affords most of us a greater empathy of the world politic at large. Unfortunately, conservative Republican war-mongering fuck-offs are rather immune to such cosmic influences. Too bad."

It really is too bad. Nicely put. Nice to see Mercury is finally out of retrograde. What was with that full-moon shit, too? I almost got my ass kicked that night. .

ps I NEVER liked the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Why you gotta insult me like that? -DP

DP,

Thanks for the nice letter. We are so used to receiving complaints from the general public, this was a pleasant change. Last week the Zodiac Smack staff, during our late-night writing session, had an epiphany. We write better weekly horoscopes when we are really really wasted!


Dude-
You’re way too hard on Cancers, man. Hiya doin’? Steevo


Dear ZS,
Fuck celebrities even if Mercury is not in Retrograde just fuck them!


 

Dear zodiacsmack
I generally find your website to be mildly amusing. But your piece on Mr. Blackwell had me in stitches. "Nice glasses, asshole?" Sometimes the simplest sentence can bring so much joy. Keep up the good work. -Troy Henigar


To whomever writes this garbage,
This website is the most homophobic sexist piece of crap I have seen on the web to date. I feel filthy just in having written this in.


Dear Zodiac-Smack
Are your horoscopes for real, because they suck ass! I am a Gemini and my boyfroend is a taurus and you couldn ot be more full of shit. Do you just make all of this up? -Kulin Sanford

(It makes it all worth it knowing the caliber of reader we appeal to - ED)

 

 

Dear Zodiac-Smack
In your always informative column 'fuck people magazine' you state:

Lott suggested the country would have been better off if Strom Thurmond (Cancer/bigot/Dixiecrat), running for president on a pro-segregationist ticket in 1948, had won.

While i don't need to point out that Strom is a bigot and a Dixiecrat (a man whose opposition to civil rights legislation included speaking for 24 hours and 18 minutes on the Senate floor, the record for filibusters, in opposition to the 1957 Civil Rights Act), he is certainly not a Cancer. his birthday is on December 5th.

I'm personally chagrined that Strom is a Sag. while I know my tribe has a penchant for preachiness and unpopular causes, i also think of us as fairly egalitarian. Lott, on the other hand, seemed to exhibit typical Libran indecision with multiple apologies, reversals, and a convincing impersonation of a pompous windbag. Librans always want to be teacher's pet.

--Brooklyn Archer


Dear "Zodiac-Smack"
This website sux.
ZOE

 

Dear "Zodiac-Smack"
In response to Roys bashing of Harvey Sid, I just want to say why on earth would you want to trash someone like Harvery Sid Fisher? Apparently you just didn't have anything original to say. Harvey is cool andhe likes Pisces. -Jen

[in case you missed it, here's Roys letter]

great work, morons
harvey sid fisher? man, this site really scrapes the barrell. what, linda goodman wouldn't take your calls? other than a "guest spot" on adam-12, his only contribution to the world is sucking oxygen out of it. his astrological songs are laughable, and not because they're funny. his golf songs even more so. my guess is the only thing he knows about astrology is how to ask some clueless twenty-something at one of his "performances" for her "sign." weak. saggitarian for sure, with kim fowley rising. -roy (taurus - "the bully, bull-bull")

ps. the dude from heavy metal parking lot is a virgo, we went to school together in richmond, va


Dear "Zodiac-Smack"
Whats up with that she's a dick guy? Is that some reference I am supposed to know, relate to or understand? I am a 34 year old asian american male, 100% japanese american all the way. But I guess my pop culture sense isn't as sharp as I imagined. Who is this She's a dick guy?
Zo Yamamoto

[rent Heavy Metal Parking Lot and call me in the morning- ED]

 

 

Dear "Zodiac-Smack"
I woke up this morning and god-damn if there wern't a burr in my field. A neighbor lady said it might be a crop circle left by one of them alien space ships but when I found a pile of 2x4's, some twine, and a whole mess of empty Tecate cans all over my land, I started to get suspicious. A lawyer friend of mine tracked down your website and says I got a pretty good chance of taking you to the cleaners for your little publicity stunt. I hope it worked out well for you because it sure as hell is gonna work out great for me. See you in court. - Rupert P. Lubnick


great work, morons
harvey sid fisher? man, this site really scrapes the barrell. what, linda goodman wouldn't take your calls? other than a "guest spot" on adam-12, his only contribution to the world is sucking oxygen out of it. his astrological songs are laughable, and not because they're funny. his golf songs even more so. my guess is the only thing he knows about astrology is how to ask some clueless twenty-something at one of his "performances" for her "sign." weak. saggitarian for sure, with kim fowley rising. -roy (taurus - "the bully, bull-bull")

ps. the dude from heavy metal parking lot is a virgo, we went to school together in richmond, va


Thanks for the shitty horoscope last week. Just thought I would write in to wish you a great "Suck-the-chrome-off-my-big-fat-fuckin-cock" weekend! I will never look at your site again. Fuck you.


Astrology is wack, the sagittarius girl from 1968 is hot but you didn't make that pic so that's wack, and dissing eminem is wack. his rhymes are tight and if he were black you'd respect him but not listen to him because you secretly don't like black people, i know, i can tell. hating black people is wack.

the best thing about your site is the advertising and that's fucking sad. i'd make the obvious joke about changing your website name but i won't, it's too easy.

[You should check out our other website; black people love us- ZS]


Dear "Zodiac-Smack"
After repeated efforts to stop this barrage of junk mail, email and prank phone calls, I have had no choice but to contact my attorney. You should be receiving something in the mail. That's what you get for offering all those AOL/Zodiac-Smack discs for free internet service.
ANONYMOUS

 

Well, apparently there are only 6 people in America that haven't seen "8 Mile". The staff of Zodiac Smack... and this woman:

Dear ZS ,
i just found your site through a san francisco friend and i am loving it. your column "f* people magazine" is truly awesome. i love the bitchslap you gave to eminem (the white guy everyone hates to love). question: you refer to his chart quite specifically, but why don't you include the chart? or at least a birthtime so those of us in the know can run the numbers for ourselves. its the only way we'll ever learn. thanks for your awesome site.

--sharilyn

Click here to see Eminem's chart


Dear anonymous gemini
(i'd be anonymous if i were a gemini as well), which of your two faces do I hit first? who is this arrogant ass, and where do i get off insulting the other signs? i am richard m. sincere, quadruple scorpio, successful at all i do. as far as "insulting" the other astrological signs, i did no such thing, the remaining eleven signs of the horoscope are an insult in and among themselves. i simply researched each, and reported my findings. nothing more, nothing less.

"Geminis are like two signs and twice as fucked up for it. Feel free to avoid these nervous, superficial and inconsistent yahoos. Their best trait—if one can call it that—is their intellectual eloquence. Freaked-out blowhards. Pass." [Editor's Note: Just like a Scorpio to quote himself, but, boy, his typing sure was better last week!]]

which part is not accurate, huh, gemini? arrested development? insecurities? i'm a fucking scorpio for pluto's sake, what the fuck do you expect, you bi-persona twit. face the facts, i have and they state that you suck.

Sincerely, dick- Scorpio.

(For those of you who missed last week's anonymous letter, look no further. -ED)

ZS
Regarding "Scorpio's Guide to the Zodiac". Who is this arrogant ass and where does he get off insulting all the other signs? It looks like your typical Scorpio trying to mask his insecurities by lashing out at the more enlightened signs of the Zodiac. As a Gemini my dual nature is both repulsed by this Scorpio with a severe case of arrested development and at the same time sad for him that the other Zodiac signs must have been so mean to him to make him so very angry. How about a "Gemini's Sign to the Zodiac?"
ANONYMOUS


Dear ZS,
Thought you guys might appreciate this. I found a pair of old Aquarius hot pants in my mothers basement
.
Bill Perry
Stockton, Ca

(How old are you? What were you doing in 'your mothers' basement? -ED)


SMACK,
I use to read daily "newspaper" horoscopes but my life was dull and meaningless. Thanks to Zodiac-Smack I have found new direction in my life, confidence in the work place and a love-making ability beyond comparison!
Domingo J. Valesquez
S.F.C.A.


Dear "Zodiac-Smack"
For the love of god. Please take me off of this stupid list. I am sick of it! The tie ins with AOL. A dating service? Zodiac-smack dental coverage? Since when did you guys start selling insurance anyway! Please stop sending me offers! Pull back my numbers from your legion of telemarketers. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
ANONYMOUS

 

 

Dear Crack-pots,
You suck. My mom's friend is a professional astrologer and she says that you guys must just make all this crap up. How do you get off charging your advertisers so much money when you are so full of shit?

Bill Martington
Daly City, California

Whoa! I dont know how I stumbled across this site but its fuckin cool! Right on!
ANONYMOUS

Editor,
I just read your description of Taurus and I am appalled. I can't believe that you mentioned Hitler in the same paragraph as Elizabeth Taylor. Liz is always getting a bad rap and I consider that to be a cheap shot. Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Kulin Sanford
Stockton, California

Dear "Zodiac-Smack"
Remove
ANONYMOUS

 

 

 

Dear Z-S,
I was in France and I bought these lottery tickets because I thought they were cool. When I got home my girlfriend scratched them all off while I was at work and it turns out that I won over 90 Euro's. Does anyone there know how I can get my money?

Matt Wilson
SF, Ca

ZS
Regarding "Scorpio's Guide to the Zodiac". Who is this arrogant ass and where does he get off insulting all the other signs? It looks like your typical Scorpio trying to mask his insecurities by lashing out at the more enlightened signs of the Zodiac. As a Gemini my dual nature is both repulsed by this Scorpio with a severe case of arrested development and at the same time sad for him that the other Zodiac signs must have been so mean to him to make him so very angry. How about a "Gemini's Sign to the Zodiac?"
ANONYMOUS

ZS,
I love you guys. Every Monday when I get in to work I grab a coffee and check out your site. It's a great way to start off another week in my miserable, shallow, empty little world. Thanks...
Samone Jackson
S.F.C.A.
Pisces

Dear "Zodiac-Smack"
Please take me off of this mailing list!!!
ANONYMOUS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


With the twins?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Do they have email in prison?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Cool stogie Blackwell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Klawlegna Markovia enjoys Zodiac-Smack every Monday morning with a cup of coffee and a cat o'nine tails

 


Your website sucks!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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